If asked long-married couples how they would describe the first five years of marriage, most would answer full of arguments. Anything can trigger fights in a new household, ranging from trivial things such as an untidy husband, a wife who likes shopping, to serious things such as interfering with parents or in-laws. This is not only experienced by newlyweds who have a short courtship but also those who have a long courtship.
Why is it that the first five years of marriage are prone to quarrels and disputes?
Here's a List of Conflict Triggers in the New Household
Marriage is the concept of uniting two people with different characteristics, ranging from backgrounds, habits, to different life experiences. "When they are put together in the institution of marriage, they are together 24 hours a week, surely the original characters will appear. So it will be seen how each other's main personality really looks like," said Irma Gustiana, M.Psi. Irma is a child, adolescent and family psychologist who is also the founder of the Growing Room Clinic.
So the main cause is a period of adjustment which then results in the emergence of conflicts. In this process, Irma mentioned, newlywed couples need to learn from each other to understand each other's conditions. Moreover, in the first five years of marriage, both husband and wife still do not have good communication skills because their respective egos still appear. "Ego each means that they feel the most correct, know best, do not want to be blamed which then makes them unwilling to accept opinions and criticisms from their partners. So conflicts arise."
Economic problems also trigger conflict in the first five years of marriage, namely economic problems. Irma explained, usually in the first five years of marriage, both husband and wife are still in the process of improving economic aspects. "Equally new jobs, new careers, economic issues can be a trigger for quarrels." The big issue of this economic problem is related to the transparency of family finances.
Then if in the first five years you immediately have children, then the parenting pattern can also be a trigger for quarrels in marriage. And coupled with the involvement of third parties, such as parents or in-laws, the fights in the first five years of marriage can be even more complicated to deal with.
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Tips for Overcoming All Differences in the First Five Years of Marriage
To overcome all the differences that trigger quarrels in the first five years of marriage, Irma suggests that you and your partner have the ability to accept all the shortcomings of your partner. " Acceptance is important," said Irma.
It is very natural that we have various ideal characteristics of a partner. But Irma also reminded that often these ideal characteristics cannot be obtained from a partner. Then the logical condition is to accept the partner's shortcomings. In this way, you will not demand your partner to change excessively.
"Our partner's shortcomings are complemented by trying to continue to adapt to the shortcomings he has."
When you can accept it, you and your partner will automatically learn how to communicate effectively. Is it effective communication with a partner? "It means being persuasive. Convey your feelings wisely, with the right words, in the right situations. Because this will affect how the process of receiving information is," answered Irma.
In order to reach that stage, Irma emphasized that it is important for husband and wife to be open to each other. Willing to listen and improve communication patterns by sitting together to map out what the actual goal of marriage is to achieve. "Then sit down together with a cool head and warm heart. This will certainly make it easier for us to discuss what family values we want. Only then can we both agree."
But Irma also reminded, if in the process of talking openly there are things that are not agreed, then don't force each other's will. "It is also possible to both agree to disagree. But between the two of them should not interfere with each other. This must also be agreed." But it would be better if husband and wife have uniformity in building a household. "Having the same understanding of family values , what parenting patterns will be like, what financial transparency will be like," added Irma.
If a husband and wife can overcome all the quarrels in the first five years with this formula, Irma believes that the couple already has the main foundations of marriage, namely communication, trust, mutual openness and complementarity. This will make you and your partner enter the stage of building a household with a healthy relationship. "These are the things that are very important for every couple to have a lasting and lasting marriage bond," concluded Irma.
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